Not in the mood for sex: what to do?

We present the most important sex killers and offer solutions on how to eliminate them. Because often it is only small things that awaken the desire of the partner again.

What to do when the desire for sex dwindles?

When it comes to sex, many people are under enormous pressure. Because it is often the case that the more often you have sex, the better. However, one-fifth of all couples (at least in the US) are now said to be living in a sexless marriage. “Sexless” means that sex still takes place, but not more than ten times a year.

These are not couples in their seventies or eighties. They are between thirty and forty and thus even far from the midlife crisis or menopause. What is the reason that so many people have so little sex?

Sex is overrated

The first reason could be that sex is overrated. For some people it is normal to have sex once a month or even once a week, especially when both are very busy and can’t take time for each other.

Yet, there are individuals who engaged in frequent sexual activity in previous times and experienced great ease with it. But over time, sex has become more and more distant from their life. Because they just don’t feel like it anymore. Why is that?

Poor sex quality

Poor sex quality is one of the most common reasons why women in particular prefer not to have sex at all and blame “no desire” or the popular headache. The solution here is communication! Because if the other person doesn’t know where the problem is, nothing can change.

Stress hinders sex

Many people are at their best under stress, for example at work or in sports. Sex, however, is rarely one of them. Because stress is a real sex killer. If you are frequently stressed, look for ways to escape the stress.

Plan your day or week with more freedom – and don’t just sit in front of the TV in the few free hours, but practice a relaxation method, such as progressive muscle relaxation according to Jacobsen, meditation, autogenic training, yoga or whatever you like.

So-called adaptogens – herbal remedies that can make you more resistant to stress – also help you to tolerate stress better and not let it get to you, e.g. Rhodiola rosea.

Relationship problems cause lust to dwindle

Of course, if there are problems in the relationship, it is not easy to have sex with this particular partner. The desire fades as the problems hover over the relationship like a dark cloud. You feel unfairly treated, misunderstood, perhaps betrayed or not taken seriously. However, many people need the feeling of security and closeness to their partner in order to develop a desire for sex. However, if you constantly fight each other or if one of the partners closes off, then closeness can no longer arise.

Problems can basically be solved if everyone is willing to speak openly, stop playing games, be honest (even with yourself) and compromise. It often helps to take the other person’s point of view in order to be able to understand them better. What works wonders is an apology that comes from the heart. It can heal many wounds and be the chance for a new beginning.


Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes it easier to have sex. However, if you overdo it, then the libido dwindles. Also, not every partner likes an alcohol flag – let alone sex with a drunk. Alcohol can – if you put your mind to it – drive up the number of one-night stands, but if you want more sex with your partner, then restraint is more important when it comes to alcohol, especially if the other person doesn’t want to drink with you.

Sleep deprivation

If you suffer from sleep deprivation, then it is almost normal to lack the desire for sex. Therefore, make sure you get enough sleep. Spend less time in front of the TV/PC/tablet and go to bed earlier.

If sleep disorders are the reason for your lack of sleep, then it might make sense to still have sex, as it has been proven to improve sleep disorders. Therefore, let yourself be seduced despite fatigue and observe how this measure affects your sleep quality.


If children suddenly belong to the family, then the desire for sex decreases for various reasons. You set other priorities, take care of the children and don’t have as much time for your partner. In the evening you fall into bed dead tired and are glad if after an hour the baby doesn’t cry again or wants to crawl into the parents’ bed.

Nevertheless, make time for your partner on a regular basis. Maybe get a babysitter who can take over the children for a few hours. Grandparents or aunts/uncles may also be involved from time to time. Later, the children can spend the night with friends – and you will have time for togetherness again.


Some medications reduce libido. Tragically, the contraceptive pill can be one of them. So you take a pill to be able to have sex without worrying, but precisely because of this pill you don’t feel like having sex anymore.

The following medications can also diminish sexual desire:

  • Antidepressants
  • Antihypertensive drugs
  • Chemotherapy
  • Finasteride (for hair loss)
  • Diuretics (diuretics)
  • Heart medications
  • Cholesterol-lowering drugs

If you don’t feel like having sex anymore and are taking one of these medications or other remedies, talk to your doctor about it. You may be able to reduce the dose or be given another medication that does not have this side effect.

Low self-esteem

Some people don’t really feel comfortable in their own skin. There is a lack of self-esteem. You feel too fat, too thin, too bulky, not muscular enough – in short, too unattractive. No wonder 50 – 60 percent of Westerners prefer sex in the dark. They lack the necessary self-confidence to leave the lights on during sex.

If your partner is one of those people, they may not feel like having sex in daylight simply because they are ashamed of their body. Take away his/her concerns. Tell him/her how beautiful, unique, and sexy you find him or her.

If it’s you who isn’t really happy with your body, then there are at least two options. You can embrace self-acceptance, realizing beauty isn’t about perfection, or pursue lifestyle changes like exercise and diet for body transformation.


Being overweight can make the desire for sex dwindle. Either because of the low self-esteem mentioned above, or also because you can’t move the way you’d like.

Adipose tissue converts testosterone into estrogen. The penis is also less well supplied with blood in overweight people, which reduces stability and can lead to erectile dysfunction.

If you lose your excess weight, you will soon not only feel more comfortable and flexible, but will automatically have more desire for sex again.

Erection problems

Erectile dysfunction or ejaculating too early are of course also a reason for having less appetite for sex. After all, if things don’t work out the way they wanted, men often put themselves under pressure and fear that it won’t work out the next time. However, this fear is counterproductive and actually promotes failure.

In any case, talk to your partner, which will already be a great relief. Together, you can test measures that strengthen the erection and prevent premature ejaculation. On the Internet, you will find a lot of help under these search terms.

Too little testosterone

Testosterone provides the desire for sex. With age, however, testosterone levels decrease continuously. Some men lose their libido as a result. However, there is a lot that can be done to increase testosterone levels again, or at least stop its decline. Talk to your endocrinologist about bioidentical solutions.


If you are depressed, you generally don’t feel like doing anything at all – and so you don’t want to have sex. In this case, it is not very helpful to treat sexual reluctance. Instead, depression must be the focus of treatment. When the depression subsides, the desire for sex returns.


Many women lose their desire for sex during menopause. This is not surprising, as they experience physical changes during this phase that make sex less than pleasant, such as dry vaginal mucosa and pain during sex.

Natural remedies, like bioidentical hormone therapy, can alleviate menopausal symptoms effectively.

Medical Reason

Pain in the genital area, pelvic floor weakness or other medical reasons can make the desire to have sex with a partner dwindle. This is where it can make sense to have sex with yourself first and lovingly give your body the attention it needs without someone else’s expectations and needs being involved. Masturbation can be used very well therapeutically – especially with a vibrator – to alleviate or completely eliminate sexual disorders.


If one of the partners just can’t wait for it anymore and makes clumsy allusions to finally “get some” again, it doesn’t exactly promote the desire of the partner to participate. On the contrary.

Because woman often have all kinds of things on their mind, she does not need candles or other romantic impulses to get in the mood, but perhaps simply someone who helps and sees what needs to be done. Someone who does overdue repairs, takes care of the garden, takes the children to the sports field for a few hours or even does the dishes – without any request.

Relief in everyday life leads to more relaxation – and if you are relaxed, you can develop a desire for sex in the first place.

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